Note to readers: I am a self-proclaimed "Organizational Freak", so much so that my temple is The Container Store and my religion Organization. However, despite this Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendency, over the course of this past year, I have managed to 'misplace' this following piece. "A Lover's Discourse" was inspired by both Alain de Botton's novel, On Love and the philosophical works of Roland Barthes. This piece is unedited and more philosophically driven than most of my other creative writing. Hope you enjoy!
The internal lover's discourse commences:
It came out in a long sigh, one in which all grievances resonated within the adjectives, verbs, and adverbs.
“You clearly stopped loving me,”.
“You no longer need me,”.
“I was merely a trophy for you to put on your mantle, to collect dust,”.
“You loved me conditionally,”.
No response necessary, the verdict decided, the punishment soon to be meted out.
Closely followed by:
Leaving in order to instigate a response, a fight for love, a fight against love, a constant battle in which there exists no clear victor—both parties having to reconstruct themselves, glue the pieces of that which was once whole, into a makeshift vase that still contains the various attributes that once constituted this person, devoid of the other.
Staying in order to appease the fears; the fear of not being able to stand alone, to reach out to another and yet find the loneliness, the desolateness, the fact that solely you are there.
Inevitably we find ourselves:
Missing another, but more missing the other’s behavior, the idiosyncratic gestures, the need to feel wanted, to feel cared for.
Finding that in another, trying to deconstruct all of the pieces of yourself that had finally become whole again, a varying version but yet whole, only to chance breaking anew. This continuous cycle of breaking and reconstruction.